You texted us and asked…
So we decided to reach out to our sex educator friends, Ryan and Tori - for the full scoop. Just a little light reading for you. Enjoy!
For many people, blowjobs feel very literal to the overall title, performing oral sex on a partner can feel very much like a job. Today we want to talk about the broader conversation around felatio in order to meet people where they are at, provide some helpful tips and tricks, and generally create a safe space for adult conversation. We will discuss topics like preparation, understanding erogenous zones, performance and much more, so thank you again for joining us and we hope that this segment is helpful or encouraging.
Let’s start out with the broader topic of preparation, within this category we have mindset, hygiene, tools/resources, and more. As with many endeavors, a great place to start is mindset. This is the time where we look inside ourselves and consider what we need to feel grounded and in our bodies during the experience. It can be very difficult because we all wear many different hats, we have people that count on us, we have duties within our domain such as organizing or cleaning, we have long term goals and aspirations that may be weighing on us, and we need to find a space that connects us with our neutral yet sensual side.
For more task oriented people, it can be hard to disconnect from our work/home life in order to fully connect with a partner. In this scenario, it can be helpful to turn towards a partner and discuss the creation of a more sensual space; this often comes with a request for support, a commitment to better share the burden, or simply having the space to be seen, to be heard, and above all else, to have your feelings acknowledged. Before we can truly let ourselves be swept away by the moment, we need to remove our “tethers” which keep our mind elsewhere. In essence, we want to create a space that respects and appreciates acts of service; this will be very important for cultivating the critical spark moving into private moments where inhibitions are shed.
If you are new to this process, or don’t have much experience; we need to think about what is on our mind, what can be done to bring some closure or completion to these thoughts, worries, needs, and generally deciding a path forward that creates available personal bandwidth that can be reallocated towards something more intimate and engaging. Foreplay should be much like the phrase suggests; it should be a fun time to connect, to be playful, and to immerse yourself in the moment.
Hygiene can be a big part of this preparation and overall conversation; we say this not to look down on anyone's routine, or shame anyone, but to acknowledge that people don’t know what they don’t know. For example, many men grow up in a household where wiping the urethra after urinating is not a common practice; it’s usually shake it twice - three times and you are just playing with yourself. All joking aside, this practice can make felatio at times not very desirable; if it’s not obvious, this is a negative towards the overall experience due to bad taste, smell, or the thought of the experience from a purely mental perspective. It can be helpful to express to your partner that you desire to be more in the moment and to engage in oral sex more frequently. It’s reasonable to make certain requests of your partner that further enable your ability to connect more on a sexual level. Things like a quick wipe down would create a more desired experience; it can also show respect and a level of service towards our partner. This helps to reduce body odors, get rid of any sweat from the day, and overall show a thoughtfulness towards time together.
A more controversial or challenging part of the hygiene topic for some people will be the topic of body hair and general grooming. From my experience, men don’t always prefer to be clean shaven downstairs; this can be due to difficulty shaving, discomfort after shaving impacting performance, and even some experiencing more ingrown hairs. This can be a big deal for men with thicker hair that has a more significant curl. A much easier path forward than grabbing a razor would be to simply find a nice set of rechargeable clippers (cords make positioning and freedom of use a nightmare), a set that offers quality sized guards to trim hair very short, rather than to remove it all together. Many men who go through with a military crew-cut downstairs may notice increased pleasure due to reduced friction, a somewhat improved visual size and appeal of the penis without all the distracting foliage, a reduction of hair in the mouth or other moment ruiners, and generally to feel more sleek and aerodynamic when swinging it around like a helicopter; I hear it is very popular.
A great addition to this preparation phase can be developing a safe and sensual atmosphere; clearing clutter, removing distractions, improving the room's vibe, and ensuring that there is proper privacy and space for any intimate encounter. Lighting can also be a huge addition for everyone involved, soft or warm lighting can go a long way to setting the mood; I know it’s cliche but consider some candle light is possible. The point is, no one wants to feel like they are in a doctor's office with the brightest lights ever, but we still want enough light to visually take in the scene; remember, like a good mirror, everyone looks better in proper lighting.
During this preparation phase, if you have anything that you would like your partner to understand, this is a great time to find a positive way to bring it up. If you are not sure what you like or don’t like, then feel free to come up with a pause and reset word - or a safe word - in order to signal to your partner that something is not working and you need to pause activity in order to reset, redirect, or reconnect. If you don’t have a word or phrase to signal to your partner, pineapple is always popular; the point is to pick something that is clear and obvious. I don’t always like calling it a safe word when play is considered very simple and not inherently dangerous; a great mindset with this is to allow for a pause - it could be as simple as there is sun in your eyes.
You can also develop a non-verbal signal, this can be good for more challenging positions where deep-throating is attempted; there is no harm in having expectations and communication signals very clear. You may not ever need to use it, you may find yourself using it often; at the end of the day, it’s about maintaining a safe, sensual, and loving environment. It’s important to remove any negative stigmas around a safe or reset word; this word exists to make sure everyone is enjoying the experience. It can really help people early-on develop strong communication habits and when utilized it can help both players learn a ton about their partner's unique style; wants, fears, dislikes, etc.
At this point, we have talked a little bit about setting ourselves up for success, things that we can do to create opportunities where we turn towards our partner, and ways that we can make sure the situation can go from mindless to mindful immediately with the use of a simple word or phrase; these are the foundation if you will.
We now want to focus on some basic anatomy. This section will be a brief and very basic overview; our desire is to basically identify some of the popular erogenous zones to provide you with some targeted pleasure zones.
- The penis is of course sensitive; but we want to break that down into a few zones.
- The base of the shaft is a great place to hold, but don’t forget that the penis itself is anchored much further back. There is an entire portion of the shaft that runs between his legs, this area is known as the Perineum; basically the area between the anus and the scrotum.
- You may have heard this referred to as the “Taint”, “Grundel”, or one that always makes me laugh - the “Gooch.”
- This is basically the area where the internal penis is located; when fully erect, you will be able to trace the shaft almost all the way to its root.
- I have said all that to inform you that this is a huge pleasure spot for some men; they may enjoy light vibration, rubbing or caressing, and in general the presence of gentle pressure.
- There are even companies who make c-rings that include elongated bodies in order to stimulate this area while penetration occurs or felatio.
- The shaft consists of erectile tissue, this is a great part to have constant contact with, but it is not the area of the penis that has the most concentrated pleasure receptors.
- It’s important to vary contact points; think of it like this, a great dance number will never consist of just one motion repeated. A great dance moves their entire body to the music; it seems to emanate from their very soul. When talking about felatio, there will be great moves to perform, but having a versatile arsenal that incorporates the body and mind (for instance, some men simply enjoy sporadic eye contact as a highly erotic form of stimulus) is absolutely the way to build a deeper experience.
- If your partner has not been circumcised, then this area and towards the front of the shaft will be a gold-mine for additional sensation. The outer foreskin will help with creating an almost effortless stroking motion which will help to stimulate the shaft and the sensitive glands just underneath the tip of the penis; this is commonly called the Frenulum in case you like using big words. Basically, this is where the foreskin meets the underside of the penis; it’s been said that around 4,000 sensory receptors exist in this area, which would make it similar to a woman's clitoris - although definitely not the same.
- Stimulating the testicles directly can be a unique sensation as well; these like to be licked, lightly sucked, sometimes applying slight downward pressure from the scrotum can be very stimulating. It is really important to pay attention to your partner's feedback while in the moment; this can be a brand new sensation to some men, as these are not the most common sensory points. It is absolutely okay if your partner is not sure what they like, feels a little hesitant, or decides that testicular stimulation is not their favorite sensation.
- The buttocks and anus will be additional notes to add to your sheet; though they are not commonly a part of oral sex, it should be a consideration when thinking of pleasure zones.
- Consider firmly grabbing his ass and using it put push his penis into your mouth at a slow and attentive pace.
- Consider touching or licking the anus as a way to stimulate and arouse.
- Nipples, neck, and other mundane areas of his torso are also fair game; a story is best told with significant depth - and developing the experience out by connecting the entire body can lead to one feeling loved, cherished, and devoured in a sexy way.
- Bonus to this topic: some guys have mentioned that they enjoy a somewhat rough sensation every now and then. This often translates to a bit of teeth, or additional pressure when pressed up against the cheek.
- Feel free to explore, feel free to try anything - you have your safe word - the point is to absolutely lose yourself in the experience.
- Some men enjoy it when their partner is a bit more vocal, remember this is the only time that you can talk with your mouth full and have it register as sexy.
- Some men also enjoy the feeling of the penis being slapped against a cheek, tapped against the lips, and even the visual stimulation of seeing a size comparison of he penis next to the face for overall scale.
- Bottom line, there is not much that you can do that is wrong - and if something doesn’t land - enjoy some pineapple and get back at it.
Finally, we want to talk a little bit about the tools that may aid the overall performance and comfort of giving a great blow job.
- A dry mouth can make the experience not feel very good for both partners; a non-flavored or neutral tasting water-based lubricant can really help. Of course, there are also many delicious flavored lubricants to use as well; this can be a great way to treat yourself with a nice flavor and maybe get out of your head a bit with the overall experience.
- With adding lubrication to the experience, any general touch or stroking will be significantly amplified; just as the clitoris like a nice slippery touch with even pressure, instead of a dry rubbing that seems like you are trying to make a fire with two sticks, the penis will also prefer a slick touch that provides less friction.
- Do be mindful of lubricants that utilize sensations (warming and cooling) as they don’t always perform the best in your mouth vs elsewhere; if you are putting it in your mouth, keep the experience as simple as possible to avoid any discomfort. It’s a great idea to sample anything a little bit before fully committing to it.
- Deep-throating is not the end-all be-all to a good oral sex experience.
- It’s important to know your limitations; if your jaw cannot handle all of this, if your mouth is a bit on the smaller side, or if you have a terrible gag-reflex that just makes it incredibly hard, then be open to other options.
- There are a wide array of hand based sensory sleeves, which are nothing like the larger male masturbators. Products that come to mind are: Doc Jonshon Good Head Blow Job stroker, Jackits Throttle stroker, or even Screaming-O’s Paco’s Taco.
- Basically these items are either small cylinders with an open top and a textured internal body, or a soft stretchy material with sensory grooves on the outside that are simply used to assist stroking, the sensation of penetration, or to help grip and stimulate that base of his penis.
- Anything that will help you stimulate the larger body of the shaft will allow the mouth and tongue to more hyper focus on the ferenulum and more sensitive areas of the penis located along and near the tip.
Great oral sex comes from a place of comfort and enjoyment; if you dislike the experience, then it is a bit more likely that your partner may sense this discomfort and it may reduce their experience.
The most important thing to remember is that there are toys, lubes, feather ticklers, and even sensory additions like ice that can elevate this experience to the next level. You should never force yourself to be in an uncomfortable or unfavorable situation for the sake of someone else's pleasure. The best intimate experiences come from a mutual appreciation of the moment; it will always be way more hot to him that you are enjoying this time. Don’t feel like you need to “Porn Star” it up just to be good; keep in mind that many events in porn have behind the scenes preparation that can take an hour and more. What may start out as something a bit more difficult can easily become more natural and exciting with practice that is within your comfort zone.
^ Hopefully this is you by the end of this post! Now go forth and get some practice ;)