Oh the holidays, a time for traditions, quality time with friends and family, and of course, awkward holiday moments. Whether it’s grandma asking when you’re settling down, your parents asking about work, or that weird cousin you’ve been dodging calls from all year, we’ve got your escape route covered!
Asked about your relationship status
Unless you’re in a long term relationship or are bringing bae home for the first time, nosey nanas are bound to ask when you’re settling down. Granted we all know family means well, but who really wants to talk about dating app disasters when there’s drinks to be had. My suggestion: pretend someone called your name from another room and make a beeline for the booze.
Too many work related questions
You put in PTO for a reason people! Being home for the holidays means turning off your work brain so you can focus on what’s important… crushing everyone in Monopoly. Simply, suggest a “friendly” board game and soon no one will be worried about your career path, only how many hotels you have.
That one relative you’ve been avoiding
You know exactly who I’m talking about. You see them once (mayyyybe twice) a year and they occasionally call you on other random holidays to say “hey”, but you barely remember to call your mom back let alone your third cousin twice removed. And so the painful small talk includes queries about why they haven’t heard from you. Personally, I’d just moonwalk away from this one. Either they think you’re too weird to continue making unnecessary contact with or they think you’re too cool to continue making unnecessary contact with.
If you’re smart, you’ll avoid wearing ripped jeans around anyone who’s older than your parents. But if you forget or show up with a new hair color or a new trendy fit, chances are someone will say something at some point. And what do we do when people judge our appearance? Well, I say, go sit at the kid’s table because they’ll appreciate your eclectic taste.
Holidays are for eating until you gotta unbutton your pants and you can’t change my mind. That being said, if someone so much as looks at your second (or third, or fourth, or fifth) plate funny, you have my permission to sneak a laxative into their mashed potatoes, it’ll be our little secret. Cause if they wanna judge you for enjoying the holiday grub, then you can judge them for spending the night on the toilet.
The aftermath of one too many eggnogs
Alright, alright, maybe you (I) did black out before the pumpkin pie was served, and maybe you (I) let the cool kids from the kid’s table draw on your (my) face, and maybe you (I) did pass out under the tree while everyone else was watching “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”, but cheer up dude, it's Christmas. Besides, surely someone else will do or say something much more embarrassing, otherwise, is it really a holiday?